Friday, 12 June 2009
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There must be a reason. There should.
I admire the general Jewish view on the Holocaust. Of course, it is much easier in one’s attempt to accept the concept of Theodicy if life treats you well. However, for that moment when it hits hard, it’s difficult. You lose your faith. You lose what you believe in. You lose trust. But these people are different. They went through massacres, torture, fear; yet they still pray at night believing that it was a test given by the Divine. How can that make sense? How do you trust in a formless being that He has it all in control in the midst of cries, gun power and blood? Even if the faith needed is as small as a mustard seed, still it would be hard to cough it out; when you don’t even see a dim light, when it pushes you to the edge, when it’s a deep pit you’re in.
They told me that there are reasons. They say He has it all in His hands. They told me to accept episodes without knowing. They tell me to trust without hearing, believe without seeing. I want reasons with basis, not reasons formed by abstractions. I question the sanity of the idea of faith. How do you merely grasp something so conceptual; something truly unexplainable? But, they believe in it, with all their heart. They formed in their minds, something they yearn so much. They feel safe, secure. They feel happy. Whereas the silly ones that doubt, we doubt the truth and sensibility of it all. Yet, are we happy? Are we secure? Would it be better if we just believed in something that doesn’t click in our logical minds? Even if it was mere imagination, a deceitful mindset that has no truth; you feel safe clinging to it; you feel happy. I question the importance of logic versus contentment. How important is it that it needs to make sense, than to it being able to satisfy our emotional needs? We cry, we call out, we seek for an answer that will never exist; unless we merely believe, give up logic to the benefit of doubt.
There are times I long for these answers. Even with the knowledge that I will never be able to get them. I need these reasons. I don’t understand. It takes away from me; strength, belief, trust. What meaning is left without these? Where would I find the spur to keep me holding on the end of a burning rope? Absurdity screams at me. It mocks, it taunts. It laughs at me. I stay here merely waiting for it to pass. Answers would never come. My desired-for reasons will never come. I know that. Because there are no answers or reasons to begin with. We search for something that only comes in the form of illusion.
And I wonder wouldn’t it be easier if I were like them? But I’m not like them. But one day, when I am drained out and given up this path I take, I will be just like them. And maybe it would all get better. Giving up on the uncertainties and doubts, for an answer that would never satisfy truth, but at least the needs of a weary person. Even if truth be known, it is an illusion that we believe in.
Little-Pizza
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