pizza5354's Xanga

Friday, December 25, 2009

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 20:00:37 GMT

Christmas

Let's wish that this season of giving and receiving would remind us of the true blessings we have in our lives - the people around us. I hope the turmoil and conflicts would ease with us being appreciative and grateful for each other. You'll never know when a person would depart from us, leaving a sigh and regret. That being said, at least, let it ease just that bit.

Have a great Christmas!

Little-Pizza

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 04:53:55 GMT

I don't know what happened.
I don't understand.
But it was tense. And I hated it.
It feels like it eats up from inside, for reasons that I'm unaware of.
It seems "fine", but it's not.

Little-Pizza

Monday, November 30, 2009

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:12:54 GMT

This marks a new chapter.

Recently, a very close friend of mine had a facebook status saying “Time to move on”. Though, our context may differ, but our intents are similar. There's so much fear. So much, to take on. But yet, we need to be strong and move on. To let go of what needs to be, accept what needs to be; leave this realm of fragmented memories and experience a shift. There's no certainty, there's no insurance. We walk based on faith and belief, with a foundation formed from abstractions. To walk on a tight rope, trusting there is an invisible net beneath. It's difficult to place reliance, yet we need to. Embracing fears and uncertainties, and walk forward.

It is time to let off the pain and disappointment. To recognize and finally understand that it need not matter, nor was it clear-cut who was at fault.
It is to look back at you, with appreciation. Thanking for the good and smiles you have once brought to my life.
It is to face and accept, not to bury within.
It is to say that “I loved you”, not “I love you”.
It is to walk the path that carved history, and to view it from a new shade.
It is to remember moments, as mere moments, neither to dwell in it nor picture a return.
It is to finally put my mind and thought to rest. It was well worth it.

Because the waves are gushing through, and I need to catch it. And I will try to.
Trust me, I will strive for it, to try again and again. Till it comes true.

I want to accept the current, fully as it is.
I detest presenting a scarred self. You deserve so much better. I want to give you the best of me.
I want to laugh, and smile, and giggle at every moment.
I want to be wholly happy, for us.
I do not want the bygone yoke to hold back, to disrupt the course we take.
Because you matter. You are significant to me.

To let the past be past, and you be my present and future.

Little-Pizza

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:16:06 GMT

“There’s nothing much to say anymore.” I don’t know what happened. It seems like a piece of log, drifted slowly by a peaceful current. It wasn’t a storm, nor was it a slight bit of rain; so to my knowledge. You wake up one morning, and realized you’re now at the other side, gaining new experiences but losing what you had. Is this how it flows in life? Every month, or every day even, you move from phase to phase. Each phase so different, that it brings a fresh tone. Yet at the same time you lose what you had from the previous point. I’m not sure if I’d rather live in yesterday, or tomorrow. Familiarity does bring much comfort. But now, the familiar has slowly become foreign, and what I thought was foreign had become familiar. The phrase “you have to give up something to get something” seems very true, even for abstract matters like passion, goals, values, friendship, and love.

To substitute – is to put a person or thing in the place of another, or very similar to replace. Does this mean that we throw the old after obtaining the new, or is it to take something to fill in the void in you after losing the old? I don’t know. But each moment will soon replace the significance of a distant past, and the current will be replaced by an unknown future. I don’t know what it holds, nor do you. But this series of substitution makes me wonder: How much of today will matter tomorrow?

Substitution – I suddenly regard it as a word of disloyalty. But how could we find strength to be steadfast to a dream that disappears at dawn? But there are also those that can never be replaced. It just leaves, and we just forget. We stand up; we move on, we learn to live without.

And when the morning dew refreshes me and gives me new meaning, I want to stay stationed forever, and ever. I don’t want to forget this instant of relief and bliss. Do I have to move ahead with the uncertainties? – Yes. But do I want to? – Maybe not. I could stay in this ecstatic moment evermore. But today will pass as the dusk arrives, followed by daybreak. Just as how history repeats over and over; will you still be here, or have you gone-by?

Will you, in the future merely be a past, or will you always be a present?

Little-Pizza

Monday, October 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:09:21 GMT

Of simply judging another?

Is not that first impressions are based on an utter unfair justice through the set of lenses, past experiences, generalization and understanding of one’s own? Why are we so weak, to give in to the fiend thoughts though we will never want to be in that very position we assault on? It’s like you leave all form of rationalization that we learn so much of, and conclude despite it ruining the possibility of starting on the right foot. No, we do not take time to understand, to know. We do not look beyond the “obvious”, the meaning between the lines. We do not see past events or other contributing factors. We just take out our damn already-loaded gun, and shoot. We hate, we mock, and we spread our little gospel of your perceived “truth”. Does it bring justice for the one that is left wounded without a chance to defend? Ambush, maybe. Yet, this weak soul here speaks out from a hypocrite’s point of view, fearing of losing the principals she stood by on. Or did it even exist in a selfish, ignorant fool, created by science or God, but surely imperfect, in the first place?

Why have we not learned the destructions it will caused, despite the encounters over, and over again? Or do we in fact are aware but do not acknowledge it for the sake of a vile pleasure? I no longer comprehend the values I think you see, or at least I thought you did. You left me with confusion, no longer able to distinguish between the real and the pretense you. You make me fear the possibility of a truth that I rather not know. Tomorrow, will all of it disappear to dust; insignificant? I don’t understand. How can all the previous beliefs just get over shun by a few words, or a few deeds? Has it place no form of importance at all?

We know that optical illusions exist; that things are never always what you see it as, even with “your very eyes”. How cruel are we to not allow a nip of doubt with regards to our restricted and imperfect senses. How foolish and infantile are we to trust in a statement that may be taken out from a context, a more complete and accurate depiction. Hmph. Humans; simply revealing truths that would exemplify what we want them to think of us, what is to our best interest, but hiding the facts that would convey the distasteful reality that screams to be given fairness. Humans, like me and you.

You make me question if any being does value what we used to value as 5-year-olds. Did we mask ourselves to gain so-called advantages by losing yourself? Can you consider that as a gain? Why can we not be authentic? Why can we not live a life without deceit scrambling at our door step? Are relations never pure? Are we constantly at risk of being trampled by another that is only what appears to be, but never sincere? Would you rather open yourself, like a target in the midst of these snipers? Sometimes, just having this pessimist view leaves me confined in this safe, comfort zone. If I do not leave this little curb, no harm could come. I rather stay inside. Although they may be enjoying what they call “life”, at least, I know I am still living. Though there is the absence of “joy” – or so they call it, there is also the absence of what we all know as “pain”, or some say suffering. Mundane may not be the most desirable option, at least, it is stable.

Ever felt weary of being with your own kind? Some call it shy. Some say arrogance. Some paints it as anti-social. But for some, it’s merely to feel safe.

Little-Pizza

Through the Rain

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 06:31:47 GMT

by Mariah Carey

When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone and you feel so far away

That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say I

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain.
---
It's an old song, but ever so encouraging, is it not?

Little-Pizza

What, and why?

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:17:48 GMT

The walk took longer than I thought.
Sometimes our estimation just does not work, at all. Given the fact that I have hit so many stationary objects with my car, I totally suck at estimation, and it is not only restricted to distance or space. It’s time, emotions, thoughts.

I have no idea why I’m doing what I’m doing. I create a reason to enlighten myself, which at times seemed more like an excuse. But I guess, that’s how it works. You do things to make yourself feel better. You do things to create a better self image. And you do things without a conscious reason. But somewhere in the back of your head, I guess, you know why. Or at least, you thought that what you do would work, even when it doesn’t.

But I know the walk was long. It takes away too much. To do these things, it’s like having a little rain during drought. To feel better. So what if it has implications that are not best suited? At least, it takes care of things now; be it yet for that few hours, or minutes even. To find that slight relieve during the drought is vital for perseverance too, is it not?

Dianne, I’m sorry. I don’t know why, but it felt right.

Maybe one day, you will be able to walk on the “right” path, the “right” way. Maybe you would not need to look away in fear. Maybe then you’ll strip yourself from the discredit you perceived.

Excuse or reason, whichever, it serves the same; you just want to be let off.

Little-Pizza

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 20:37:30 GMT

http://psy90.blogspot.com/2009/09/happy-birthday-dianne.html

You made me tear, again, in a good way. I'm getting emotional again.

Reminiscing about the past really made me wish I was there to re-live it all over again. No matter how silly we were, running around as though we were 5-year-old kids, lazing around when it comes to bath time, or just about anything, we were, in fact, really, really happy. And you were one of the reasons why I enjoyed my high-school.

Sorry for being all “emo”, I just miss you so much. I miss how I asked you what is “6 x 2”, knowing very well the next second that it is simply “12”. I still remember the “what the heck” look you gave me. I miss watching anime together, making sushi that some-what succeed (I suppose for 14-15 year olds), playing Pictionary, cards, everything. I want to return. I miss laughing with you. I miss being young, and innocent, and that our only worry would be if we passed our History paper.

There are all these memories flowing through now. Knowing that it is all past, somehow makes me feel a little sad, especially now not being able to see you as often as before. Probably there’s just this tiny fear of losing all these sweet thoughts, and how we are not able to create new moments due to restrictions that I just want to tear it all down.

Don't worry. I know, the past is past. The future is what we need to be optimistic look forward to. I just wanted to tell you that at times, Dianne worries as well, just like you. :)

Love you lots dear.

Little-Pizza

Soon - LeAnn Rimes

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 20:28:19 GMT

Soon baby
I will cry my last tear
Soon yeah
I will be over you
Soon darlin'
All these tears won't be here
Soon yeah
You know that I will be over you soon

One night baby
You won't be in my dreams
One night yeah
I'll finally make it through
One night darlin'
I wont call out your name
I wont be in this place
I will be over you soon

Soon as the mountains turn to rivers
Soon as the sea turns into sand
Soon as the sun comes up at midnight
That's how soon that
All the hurt will end
But til' then I'll just pretend It will be over
Over
I keep tellin' myself
I'll forget you someday soon
Soon

Someday soon baby
I will cry my last tear
Ya' know that I will be over you
Soon darlin'
I wont call out your name
I won't be in this place
I will be over you soon

Friday, August 28, 2009

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 02:24:14 GMT

It’s these times that make you learn.

There are so many strings of thoughts going through the mind. Some brief. Some seems forever. Some vivid, some vague. Some that you tend to laugh about. Some that you rather not recall.
Each day, we have about 50,000 thoughts. Most of them merely sprint through your mind. But there are these few special ones. They make you smile, yet they make you tear. You remember the sheer happiness. You remember the pain and anguish. You wonder, what went wrong. You wonder, what went right. Sometimes, you feel like re-living it. Yet sometimes, you wished you could just release it. It’s there. You still hold on to the edge of it. Some here and there, from years ago, months ago, days ago. Sometimes, you may think you had forgotten about that fine strand, but in fact, it has not been; just buried deep within. And when you sincerely look at that string again, past emotions would gush over, flooding your soul all over again.
It leaves you a sense of significance. How you lived in a realm that did not just merely pass by, but left behind a token; that fine strand that signifies a chapter that was well mattered. Al least, it meant something. Just believe in that; you’d find comfort in it.

I kept looking at this one fine piece, of how much I missed it; and of how much I feared it would turn to dust. It held a part of me that I want to remember, but at the same time, a part I want to forget. I wonder what it would become of; just another bit of the bunch, or one of the few that is noteworthy. I fear the case would the first. I fear it was an insignificant log, like everything I put in was merely astray to the back alley. It just proves the idiocy of a person fooled by their own wants, like throwing yourself in a mirage, believing it was an oasis. It screams the worthlessness of one self. It screams the pathetic wail of desires that one engrosses in. It leaves behind a great slump in confidence, in assurance. It leaves behind frustration, and anger. Of all these emotions that destroys trust, and belief. There isn’t a reason, then, to put faith in, but to just stop believing.
If only one can know, and believe, that it was significant. If only one knew not to deem insignificance due to the fear of a wound. A cut is not just there to hurt, or to remind of hurts. It is, but to remind of reason and of importance. How much relieve would it yield, how much meaning would it bear. At least to acquire this last bit worth and carry it forward, and move on.
But what if it was otherwise; that your perceived significance is only an image created by your own need for acknowledgement? That never it was intended to be real. What if that piece of strand is indeed just another one; trivial and replaceable?
One was simply fooled. No truth existed then, nor will one know why. Probably, there’s not even a decent reason, but one that is better off unknown.

That strand. There’s no way I am able to dispose of it. It had carved a picture within, something that you cannot erase with an eraser. I suppose burying it would be sufficient for now. Let it be buried deep that it may be difficult to encounter it again, by all means. Despite it through being ignorant, or to disregard, to detest and hate, or even thoughts one would not forgive oneself for. As long as you use all means, it will be buried deep; even if it’s by selfish means. To sketch a false image of another, allowing acceptance of your egocentric acts. Disregarding personal principles, disregarding integrity. You will be immune to whatever harm it could have caused. You will be protected. At least, you will forget. I will ignore, I will detest. I will hate. I will bury it, no matter what. Whatever it takes, if I am able to, I will.

I rather take a short-cut, even if there’s a risk for regret.
Forgive me, I’m just weary.

Little-Pizza